Conspiracy theories abound…

Don’t believe the hype! Get the REAL story on Des Lynam here – http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Des_Lynam

Yes, yes, yes

Mr Netanyahu

Sex Siren

Netanyahu’s slap head, glazed unfeeling eyes and cold dead heart have led to him being at the centre of considerable male attention. Indeed, at this very moment, my keyboard is dripping with gooey man magma after a ball-busting purple helmet-pounding session of violent self-abuse inspired by Netanyahu’s pristine yiddish features.

Statistical data from the Eritrean Sociological Review suggest that 115.9% of males across the world complulsively indulge in repeated, rapid fist-pumping cock-thumping jizz-inducing bellend stroking at the even the slightest glimpse of His Royal Highness, Princess of the Schmenklic Empire Of Jewistan (Netanyahu).

Max Brown’s wild Millennium

Max Brown (born February 10, 1981) is an English actor. He was born in Ilkley, Yorkshire, England. He is best known for playing Liam in the movie Turistas (Paradise Lost), Danny Hartston in Grange Hill (BBC 2001), Mark Russell in Crossroads (Carlton 2001) and Kristian Hargreaves in Hollyoaks (Mersey TV 2002-2004), as well as roles in Brookside, Doctors, Casualty and Down to Earth.

He has since played Sam Grey in the hit BBC 1 drama Mistresses and Edward Seymour in The Tudors.

Max suffered an horrific wanking accident whereby he put his bellend in a toaster whilst inebriated. This left him with burn marks down his cock which affected the bloodflow to his wang. He attempted to use Cantarden to gain an erection before a planned night of ‘homosexual bum fun’ with the much-vaunted Syrian Cricket team. Brown was quoted as saying, ‘I wanted to fuck them Arabs into the next millennium’ (The orgy was planned for 28th December 1999 and Brown considered the Cantarden would enable him to last through to 1st January 2000). However he used far too much of the drug and had an erection for 17 days, during which he ejaculated 231 times, mostly indulging his fetish of jizzing out of 3rd floor windows onto touring groups of pensioners. When the effects of the drug finally wore off his penis was left as limp as a 7 month-old banana and Brown would never again know the thrill of blasting his beans all over an 86 year old woman’s glasses.

Revelations from the Riverside

A series of interviews with Middlesbrough players has revealed that one time Boro defender Jonathan Woodgate engaged in a bizarre pre-match ritual during his stint at the Teesside club.

‘Well, I mean, the gaffer would be giving his team talk just 5 minutes before the game and Woody [Woodgate] would be sitting there pushing with all his might to make sure he’d shit himself in front of us all’, a stunned ensemble of journalists were told by current Boro defender David Wheater. Woodgate, now at Tottenham Hotspur, apparantly developed the ritual after accidentally papping himself in the changing room before his Boro debut.

George Boateng described how the Boro players had jokingly reminded Woodgate of his Real Madrid debut – where he scored an own goal before being sent off – in the lead up to Woodgate’s Boro debut against Arsenal. Boateng continued, ‘the pressure was too much for him. I remember Gareth [Southgate] was giving us some final words of wisdom before the game and I saw Jono’s face turning green and we all knew what was coming…’

‘There was shit everywhere’ Stewart Downing chipped in, ‘Woody had to change his kit sharpish, and we didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, I mean it was hilarious but that smell almost made me phyiscally, actually, literally, properly sick’

Woodgate went on to lead Boro to an unlikely point away from home against the Gunners, and quickly attributed the success to his outburst of pre-match self-defecation.

‘Next match he was just sitting there with a massive grin on his face, and I had the misfortune of being next to him. Just as I turned to ask him what he was chuckling about I saw a smear of sticky brown bum butter sliding down his leg’, Downing continued, ‘he’s just a filthy bastard’.

A shocking expose on the factual (in)accuracy of Public Enemy’s epic ‘Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos’

Dear readers of these hallowed pages. In it’s previous guises this blog has been a home for advertisements, and a platform for advice to be distributed to the sick, the needy, the depraved and of course the disabled. I come before you today with a much more serious matter in hand. I ask only that you keep an open mind, for the evidence I am about to divulge is almost certain to shock and disturb you.

I believe the epic Public Enemy song, ‘Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos’ contains large scale fabrications, and may not house even the tiniest shred of truth within the gleeful 6minutes 23seconds it exercises control over our eardrums.

The contention a rap star may not stick entirely to the truth is certainly a new and shocking idea, but please, before setting my house ablaze, dragging me out of my truck and physically assaulting me with a brick or whatever violent crimes you people may desire to perpetrate to my person, hear me out.

Mr. D claims to have received a letter from the United States government. The contents of this letter pieced together by Mr.D’s aural testimony are as follows:

Dear Mr.D,

We are suckers. We want you for our army or whatever and picture you giving a damn.

Yours sincerely,

The Federal Government of the United States of America

This, to me, seems a highly unlikely correspondance. While I have no doubt that the US government are suckers, making such a self-depricating remark, in an official correspondance seems highly improbable. I also believe the slang Mr.D claims was contained in the correspondance further damages the credibility of his histoire. While the US take on English is certainly a dumbed down version of our fine language aimed at facilitating conversation between the gun-toting racist hicks who comprise much of ‘the land of the free’, the degree of slang allegedly included in this letter seems extreme.

I hope we can find the strength to move on from this shameful episode, and that upon reading my expose Mr.D would have the courage to admit the blatant fabrications I believe I have exposed.

The Agony Uncle

questions taken from http://www.dearcupid.org/ answers from the piss flap of crust himself.

Q: I’ve bin fingered once before and he used four fingers up to his knuckles bearing in mind his fingers are quite fat. It didn’t hurt one bit and I didn’t think it was particularly ‘good’ either.
I’m a virgin and I don’t see why it doesn’t hurt me, yet everyone else I know says they can only get two fingers up there and it hurts them really bad plus they aren’t even virgins!
Can anyone tell me why this is?
And would it hurt me alot my first time?
Thanks everyone =] xxx

A: This is nothing to worry about at all. You are simply what is known in scientific circles as ‘a bucket fadge’. Have you considered using it to your advantage? Star in some farmyard porn, rent the space out for industrial storage or get wanted criminals to pay you to hide them – the possibilities are endless!

Q: i have been using butt plugs for fun during sex and on my own for over four years now. Recently I have started using larger and larger ones as I haven’t been satisfyed with the regular ones I used to use. I get a buzz from using bigger and bigger ones to see if i can get them in and how it feels. Sometimes I can’t get them all in but really want to keep pushing and trying to get it in, like an addiction. I am worried that I will cause long term damage or my anus won’t return to is normal size if I keep doint this. Will it be ok to keep doing this or how can I stop? Any advice on how I can stop the urge to do this would be appreciated?

A: Yes yes yes, i’ve had many inquiries on this matter and the solution is quite simple. Simply mix off 6parts clean (beach) sand to 3 parts rough sand to 2 parts cement mix with water until it forms a paste. This makes a sludgy mixture known as concrete. Gather a days worth of food and water into the vicinity and then shove the mixture up your gaping bumhole until it is spilling back out of the hole. Lie on your front for 24 hours and the concrete will set perfectly solid. This will give you the ability to get kinky thrills whenever you want without having to resort to buttplugs! Good eh?

Q: Hi I have a problem, I’ve been with my boyfriend for about two months and because of my weight I was too shy to take it to the next level. But we had sex the other day he is very slim and he commented on my weight and hurt my feelings.
We were having sex and he said “Jeez you can’t go on top you’ll suffocate me”. He then laughed and said “only joking”. When I confronted him he said he liked it but when I saw pictures of his ex’s they were all skinny and pretty and I feel like a big ugly monster.
When we go out he won’t hold my hand and I feel like he’s ashamed to be seen with me and I heard him on the phone telling his friend that we were just friends and that there is no way anything could happen between us, but he says he loves me more than anything in the world when it’s just me and him.
He says that it’s just that he has confidence issues. I try my best to make him happy I buy him all the stuff he wants and make sure he’s always got weed because it calms him down.
He’s a very nervous person. I really care about him but I don’t know what he’s playing at. I’ve tried to diet and stuff but it doesn’t seem to shift this excess baggage.
What can I do to make myself pretty?

A: Again this is a simple answer, you are obviously dense as well as fat for not having figured this out. Nevermind – your weight is determined by how many calories you consume and how many you burn off. Consume no calories and burn off the ones you already have stored and you will be able to transform yourself from the obese, sweaty, disgusting bitch you see in the mirror today to a normal, sexy lass you see in glossy magazines. Allow me to repeat (for your ignorance) : EAT NOTHING AND RUN ALL DAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN. Once your long-suffering boyfriend (I really do sympathise with the poor lad) decides you are pretty enough you may stop this ritual.

Q: I have a big problem, im 17 and preganant and cant tell my mum and dad. i got pregnant at the age of 15 and was forced to have a abortion, since then it has scarred me for life, ive had to have councilling and thearapy for years, and still havnt got over it.
My mum was the person that forced me to have a abortion last time and its impossible to tell her this time around because i no she will have the same answer and i just cant go through that again, it was the worse experience ive ever had as the abortion didnt go well plus my mums attitude towards it all. and she knows that. but i no she will still think of me as too young this time.
i just cant bring myself to tell her because how she was and what i went through last time please give me advise, im already 2 months gone

A: One word : coathanger. You’re welcome.

Q: My boyfriend wants to have anal sex but I’m scared because I’m still a virgin.And it sounds great but Im still not sure. What should I do???

A: Yes definately. Recent World Bank reports have claimed that frigid lasses like you who don’t put out are the main reason for world poverty owing to lower male satisfaction leading to loss of productivity which negatively impacts total world output…since you’re a woman I wont bore you with the details since you no doubt don’t understand them, suffice to say yhou should have sex with all men who demand it whenever they demand it.

Q: Im 17 and gay i met this guy and i really like him the only problem is he wants me to have sex with as many men as i can in 1 night and predictivly the rest of my life, as it turns him on.
I really like him so i want to do this and imagine it will be ok, as how bad can it be? I’m just not sure Please advise me

A: May I remind you that Homosexuality is forbidden by the holy bible. With regards to your problem, do whatever you feel like because YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY. Hence how you live the next few years is of little consequence. You’re welcome :p

Q: I’m wondering if any guys here have ever had sex with a hooker, I ask because I’ve been wondering about it for a while, but I’m not sure if it would feel nearly as good as legitimate sex.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not considering getting a hooker because I’m desperate or anything, I get just as much action as the next guy, but on a night when you just really want sex, I figure getting a hooker would be a good way to get it.
But I’m not sure I’d enjoy it knowing she wasn’t actually enjoying herself, and is only there for the money, so guys do you have any input?

A: Its class you little fanny. Think about it – they’re professionals! Get your act together and shag a prossie. With regards to your monetary concerns – you DON’T ACTUALLY PAY THEM. You really do know fuck all mate – just batter them after you’ve jizzed on her tits. Happy, happy days.

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Failed to make the grade in the Premier League???

 

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